I should be happy; I SHOULD be. But I'm kind of half in it, half not.
This is not easy at all. I wish you'd open your eyes, open your mind a bit more, damnit, open your heart.
----------------
So just maybe, I don't matter as much as I used to to you, or I just don't matter that much at all. Or it could just be me. I hope it's the last bit.
Let's see, eh? 
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"For so long, I've been loving You from a distance because I was afraid of Your silence. Because Your silence speaks to me more deeply than any words could ever say. Because I was afraid of who I would be when I was alone with You. Because I didn’t want to be rejected.
For so long, I’ve been loving You from a distance, holding myself hostage to the sound of You; running away from the thought of You loving me so deeply, that I would lose myself and never be able to find who I used to be.
For so long, I’ve been trying loving You from a distance but I can’t even survive without You. You are not only the air I breathe; You are the lungs I breathe with. And without You, there is this vacant void that causes me to collapse at the very center of who I am. And that’s what I mean when I say You’re breathtaking.
You cared for me with a gentleness that made me want to love You more than I ever thought possible.
And I want to give all of my heart to You even though I don’t know what that feels like.
You love me privately, publicly, lonely, lovely or ugly.
And I want to give You the keys to every room in this room in this house I call my heart.
And that means nothing is off-limits to You.”
- Amena Brown
Total immersion into work and stuff so I won't feel I miss you as much.
But I really, really do :(
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Contemplating going to Taiwan with my brother and his friends next month. It's actually an all-guys' trip, but my brother insists it's all good and that I should go along. Sure, everyone will think it's cause Rainy's gonna be based there soon, but hey, a trip with friends would be awesome; and I've never minded being one of the guys anyway.
Rach is also thinking twice about it. Maybe if we get good deals, being the cheapskates we are, maybe..
Your views on drugs and alcohol.
So drugs are a no-no. Unless they're prescription drugs. Aaand you're not addicted to them. I don't want to be found foaming at the mouth and having to have my stomach pumped.
Alcohol is occasionally alright. Social drinking is fine. If I remember right, I don't think the Bible condones drinking--my dad and uncles have the occasional red wine or champagne together with our church's minister (teehee)--it's the dependency on alcohol and the tendency to get piss-drunk that totally ruins alcoholic consumption for society and the rest of us. I will admit I used to hate the smell of it; to a certain extent, I still do now. But staying in a foreign country with deathly freezing winter temperatures (think -16 degrees and crazy bicycle-toppling winds), it only seemed right to give it another whirl, and it turned out the nice warmth and heat it gave my throat and tummy was a breather to the cold.
Therefore, I now drink sometimes too. No getting drunk though ;) Wine or a little bubbly, plus, I use them in cooking too. Which kind of reminds me of when we were living in Beijing, Rainy wanted to bake us cookies, but despite our efforts in hunting it down, we couldn't seem to find any vanilla extract. Thus, he substituted it with Russian vodka. Genius, eh? When you think about it, they both smell alike anyway. So the cookies turned out amazing. Another example of why alcohol can be alright as long as its not put to its (consumers') limits. True story.
Where you'd like to be in 10 years.
Ten years, I'd be thirty-five. Well, THAT's depressing. Haha!
In all seriousness though, in ten years, if we were to be completely, utterly honest with each other, and, what the heck, throw in some idealism, I'd want to have my own family. I'm thinking, soccer mom with three, four kids? I could stay at home or follow those semi-stay-at-home-mum trend that's been getting more and more popular these days--juggle both home, husband, kids and maybe a business on the side. That's the ideal world.
'Course, we never know how things turn out, I could always end up one of those forever-alone types, although dear God, I hope and pray that's not how it will be. I think deep down, everyone wants a family, whether or not that entails children, at least a partner in and throughout life, y'know?
Gosh, it used to be that at my age, people were well on their way to establishing families. Heck, my own parents were parents already to two kids at my age!! My friends and I wonder sometimes, how our parents managed to be stable and build up their lives at such a young age; the thought makes us feel inadequate and inferior. Maybe it's different times, different priorities. I don't know. To be honest, while I used to think I knew what I wanted, right now, I don't think I do--how can I when I haven't felt like I've fully established myself to be adequate enough to even begin to fathom the idea of starting a family? Maybe I have the guy. Maybe I have the right intentions. But the prerequisites needed for the future? I don't think I'm quite there yet.. Sigh.
So many thoughts. Let's see. A lot of praying and thinking up ahead, eh? And still so much to look forward to. I am genuinely excited to see how the next ten years of life go :)
So this was supposed to be my birthday post. I wanted to write twenty-five stuff/people/experiences I am thankful for, but having so been out of the writing/blogging loop for a while now, it's getting harder and harder to think of things to write. Thus, this is going to be my eight-groups-of-people-I-thank-God-for-because-it's-the-eighth-day-of-the-month. Lame. Shoot me now.
1. Thank you, Lord, for twenty-five years of Your faithfulness, love and grace. For your gift of salvation, despite being the most undeserving of it all.
2. Thank you, Lord, for my mom. A mom who I've always proclaimed to be the best in the world, notwithstanding every other kid's claim that theirs is the best. A mom who stayed at home to raise three kids in a foreign country, away from family, who epitomized the term 'soccer mom' for me, who made me want to someday be a mother too because of how much fun she seemed to have. A mom who brought me to school every time the driver couldn't, even when I was already in uni, just because I was too afraid to take public transportation in Manila; how I loved the time we spent in the car, chatting, talking about everything under the sun, praying together. A mom who taught me how to drive, who got mad the night before I was to take the driving test, because she was so stressed out I would forget it all. A mom who I remember hugging a crying me to sleep the night before I was to leave for a semester in Beijing, a mom who always text messaged me even when I was in another country. A mom who got angry when I hid something from her, rightly so, but also a mom who wiped my tears and became my biggest supporter in terms of my love life, who cried when I cried, and who was more thrilled than I when I was thrilled. I made her cry more times than I should have or ever wanted to, but who still loves me unconditionally, who lets me be, but guides me still. Who has always wanted the best for me and him, who prayed and continues to pray for us, the perfect model of a submissive wife and loving, Godly mother.
3. Thank you, Lord, for my dad. I know I'm no longer the same clingy little girl I used to be, but I still am that little girl who looks up to him with wide-eyed adoration. My dad who took on crazy jobs when we moved to Vancouver, who took us on hikes and biking trips, and watched hockey with us (Go, Canucks!!!). Even if we may disagree more times in a week now than we ever have in most of my twenty-five years of life, he forgives and loves me still. I'm not under the illusion that I have been the ideal daughter, but how many kids out there can testify to a dad who apologizes when he knows he is at fault? A dad who has always been of utmost perfection, of upright Christian character, which is not to say that there were times that I did not like the expectation of being as good as he is, but to whom I look up to even so. I let him down so much, but still he is there.
4. Thank you, Lord, for my brother, who was there for me, letting me crash him and his friends' nights out during the hardest period of my life, sometimes (grudgingly) letting me use him for personal driver purposes. Surprisingly, it's also my brother in whom I find a most unlikely ally in certain family battles and issues. We don't always get along, and I know we piss each other off more often than we should be, but you just know that the love is there, unspoken, but true.
5. Thank you, Lord, for my sister, who I can always talk silly too; seriously, the conversations we have are too ridiculous for anyone to ever understand :p I know we hardly ever see eye-to-eye, me vs. my ultimately-perfect-Godly-every-parent's-dream-daughter sister, but I do love her so.
6. Thank you, Lord, for my huge and amazing family, all my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandpa. We've had so much fun over the years, and you just know that without God in the center of our household, we couldn't have ever managed being so close all these years--my second parents and siblings. People always wonder how we all manage to remain close with no real family fueds or clashes, but we always know it's only God who keeps us together. For my grandpa, my angkong, who, even though he's old and weak, in times when he is lucid, clings to my hand and pats me, smiling and saying what a good girl I am. I don't say it or show it as much as I should, but I love my angkong so much; he's the only grandparent I have most memories of.
7. Thank you, Lord, for Rainy. Well, you know all about that already, I've said so much about him. It's definitely not been an easy ride, but thank you for giving me such an amazing guy outside my already awesome family who I can call my best friend, who loves me even if I have disappointed him over and over again. I know You've given him to me for a reason.
8. Thank you, Lord, for my friends--my Beijing family, the guys I grew up with and all other friends in between. They've all touched my life in one way or another, and most of them are forever friends, my family and home away from home. My BJ girls who saw me through my darkest hours, the boys who hugged me when they ran out of stuff to say. I could not ask for a better bunch I can be totally myself with.
Thank you, Lord, for a fresh start every day, every morning. I am most undeserving of everything You've given me, most especially all of the aforementioned. I know I am a terrible person, imperfect and perhaps the most pig-headed and stubborn of all Your children, but still you love me, and give me what I need and want. I love you, I can only hope and work toward lifting Your name higher, as well as giving back to those people above, and to the rest of world I may encounter. Grant me the wisdom and strength to get through the next chapter of my life, because it's crazy scary not knowing what's in store for me, except that thought that You have and always will go before me :)
Love,
Pau
Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.
So.. I don't know if talking about this will get me in trouble or not. Haha!
Well, I guess it's a known fact which guy my heart belongs to in this world; I say this world because ultimately, it's God, but that's a whole other story. We're taking things easy, enjoying the days as they come, becoming better friends, better people to each other, and hopefully to the people around us as well. Growing and learning together. I never really had a problem being single before all this, and I don't know if this makes me seem conceited, but I know for a fact that was a strong girl standing on my own, although that's not to say I never had family to lean on when I needed them. But things change, people change. I saw what it was like to be with someone, to have someone holding your hand through life stuff, a partner who doesn't walk before you or behind you, but rather beside you. He who looks out for you and looks at you the way no one ever has, who sees beauty in the world and in you when you can't see it for yourself. Who always is honest and frank, bluntly telling you things you do not want to hear, because that's just how it is with you guys, and who always wants you to become better, even when it hurts. He who tries to get to know your family and have them fall in love with him, too, who you know is in it with you through the thickest or thinnest of times. Who makes you cry and laugh, who you can be absolutely silly with and not worry about looking ridiculous in front of, someone with whom you can just sit in comfortable silence with.
First, I never meant to fall in love with him, that's the most honest truth I can say. And secondly, when I did, I tried so hard to not be. It started out that we detested each other when we were kids, but met again years later and found we could actually be friends. From then on, it was all up; he became a really good friend turned best friend if only minus the tension. And I prayed, in the craziest and most annoying way: if it wasn't to be, then don't let it be, but if He was God's best, then hey, bring it on, let him fall in love with me. Take note, this prayer was way before I fell for him, but at the time when we were becoming great pals and I was just slowly starting to see the qualities that made him likable beyond just friends.
Being single isn't all that bad--in fact, it may even be for some people to be strong alone for life--although it's probably a state that's harder to go back to now if you've known what it was like to walk with someone beside you.
I can honestly say though, that while I have very sure and strong feelings, I don't know where all this is heading. I can pray, wish, beg, but still I don't know; God knows I wish I did. It hasn't been easy--WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!! Ultimately though, it's His plan. But an assurance I take refuge in is, He knows my heart :)
So in hopes of reviving the will to write more again, I found this (see below). Okay, so maybe I'm hoping this will at least force me to :)
Day 01 - Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Aaaaaaaand I'll start tomorrow. Too much stuff to finish now, must not slack off!
I LOVE this video!!
So Rainy sent it to me a while ago with the instructions to "JUST WATCH IT!!!" (cause I tend to ask a lot of questions like "Why?" "What's that?" "What for?"), and while watching it, I thought, that is so him!!! Haha he admits it, the big kid :p
Wasn't expecting much of turning twenty-five yesterday, and after a sudden unfortunate change of events, I was even more down and not in any way looking forward to anything. Add to that my limited list of food I could eat because of a sudden attack allergies. Phooey, right?
Woke up early in the morning to get ready, my mom and Josh drove me up to the mountains to meet up with friends for a couple of friends' wedding. Beautiful weather, amazing time. Took a little stop at Starbucks for some coffee and sandwiches, then had a lovely ride down with Rainy. Surprised when he brought me to Lugang, knowing I have been wanting to have good 小龙包 for a long time already--really good food, but more than the food, it was the thought he put into it. He held back on the food, ordering the good stuff but making sure those didn't contain any allergy-triggering ingredients; Rain wanted to get me cake too, but knew I couldn't. And knowing me best, we got tea to go, knowing it would cap off the great day we had perfectly :)
Thanks for spending my birthday with me, I know it's not easy to make time sometimes, but I loved it :)
Got home in the afternoon to a poor, sick sister :( played with my baby cousin and hung with the sister
and Skyped in the evening :)
Real laid-back day, but it was incredible <3
I am blessed, very happy, content :) this is the perfect way to begin the next twenty-five years of life :)
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When you love someone, you want to give the best to that person--the best of yourself, the best of everything. Therefore love, in its very essence, is giving. So how can you say "I LOVE chocolate cake" when you are planning to consume it?!
-Francis Kong (he a very wise man haha)
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Twenty-five years ago today, a baby boy was born. So he probably had pale white skin (which women of today envy and spend tons of money on products that would make them even the teeniest bit nearly as white as him) and adorable, crinkly Chinese eyes. I'm sure he cried and made a fuss a lot ;)
Twenty-five years later, still the same silly face with the same cute eyes :) and I can attest to the fact that he still fusses around like a girl too haha
When people ask how long I've known him, I never really know what to say; technically, I've known him since we were little kids in Sunday school--back then, we did not like each other at all. I thought he was loud and obnoxious and such a typical immature boy, he saw me as a quiet, uptight snob. We saw each other a lot, too much then, to appreciate it. Guess it was partly due to that adolescent phase when girls think, "Boys, ugh," and boys think, "Girls, yuck!" Lost touch when we hit high school, I think, but reconnected when we were both abroad in Beijing for post-uni studies. Honestly I was surprised he remembered me, cause like I said, we near-detested each other's guts back then (right? Right??). But this was different. I found him to have changed, he seemed to have matured, while I was in the process of changing as well. What especially drew me to him was how the goodness of his heart shone without him trying, how he seemed to have such a heart for other people :)
VERY long story made short, we became friends, very good friends, best friends, who've been through pretty much anything and everything together. So many firsts. Silly stuff, serious stuff, fun stuff, heartbreaking stuff. Bike races through Beijing streets, pigging out on meat-all-you-can hotpot lunches just us two, cheap street food dinners, studying at Bridge, ridiculous pillow fights, staying in for the weekend just watching TV series and ordering delivery, going out for midnight snacks in the dead of Beijing winter, existing in the city we love, milk tea dates back home, being yoga buddies, acting as my chauffeur, just chill weekend partners, and so so much more. Through it all, there's only been two things, learning and living, together. It's the most amazing thing to have someone who gets you, who nudges you to be better, to be able to sit in comfortable silence with someone and not have to worry about saying something wrong, to be able to be at your silliest and craziest with him without being judged, to be able to tell him everything and know that he's there and not going anywhere.
I remember a year ago, I wrote him a long birthday email, and ended up making us both cry. Of course, things were different then. He was in Beijing and I was stuck here. Not the ideal way to celebrate someone important's birthday apart. Which is why I'm thankful for this year, I got to spend it with him, even if it was in advance. And even then, when the day was supposed to be special and about him, HIS day, he turned the tables on me and made it about me too. That's just how good he is. Deep down, it's there, even if he shows a manly, tough exterior sometimes :)
So much has happened--time, distance, drama, issues. But we've gotten through them. At least most of them ;) we're works in progress, but I believe He who began this good work in us will be faithful to complete it :)
Thanks, Rainy, for everything. Thank you for teaching me, bearing with me, standing by me and loving me. You know what I'm talkin about :) and you know I've always got your back, no matter what, where, when, how, how long. If you're sad, I cry with you, and when you're happy, I'm even happier for you. Even if it is just me, at least you've got me :) you are superduper loved <3
xoxo
Paupau
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I usually look forward to the holidays, not because of all the food and parties and gifts, but cause of the year-end clan vacations we take. It's always been in the country, cause the parents don't like traveling in airports with the mad Christmas rush, lugging around a lot of luggage and a lot more kids. We used to do beaches, but for the past I-forgot-how-many-years already, the mountains of Baguio have been a vacation favorite for the cold weather, pine trees and Christmasy atmosphere in general, seeing as how we do not normally have the abovementioned three in the tropical metropolis.
It's mostly about a lot of sleeping in, eating, more sleeping and eating, running (for us big kids who wanna keep in shape despite the season's refusal to let us stay thin), driving, taking photos, fooling around, playing (bowling, pool, biking, etc), eating and sleeping. Lazy cold days. This year's was different in the fact that we were missing one family--totally not complete or the same without the Gatchalian-Tee's :(
So here's where we stayed this year:
Nice log-cabin-style homes, if it wasn't for the icky bedbugs some of the beds had. Hate them!
We did the usual deal--sip hot chocolate/coffee/tea, build a fire,
the cliche Starbucks' run, hang at the country club, have lunch at Uncle Pat's quaint organic garden home,
sleep in, shop at Camp John Hay,
go for random drives in the middle of the freezing night. And since we didn't have an Internet connection where we were staying, it forced us to make do with what we had: each other.
It was fun really. Although it was inevitable that whenever we got to the country club, you'd see us scampering for wi-fi signal and everyone on their phones and iPads :)
Christmas up in the mountains is always fun, especially with family (we missed you guys big time though, Nate and Neil and fam!). A lot of quality and needed down time, yeah. Although it made us fat, like this:
Still, holiday vacation + family = <3
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