I don't know when I will ever be completely okay, or IF I will ever be really okay. Believe me, I do want to be.
I think Siah was put on this earth to keep reminding me of you. He asked me during Christmas eve dinner, "If Ahia Rainy was not in China, would he be having dinner with us?" All I could say was, I don't know, maybe he'll spend it with his family. Josiah's so cute. Such a boy, but he does say the darndest things.
I still miss you. Bwisit. I try not to though.
I really thought we'd spend the holidays together. Maybe not physically present, but TOGETHER at least. Guess I took for granted that you would always be around for every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday.
It's two days before Christmas! And I'm not ready.
Well, part of me feels like wanting to get this freakin' year over and done with, another part wants to hold on. After all, for the most part, this year was great; it was only the last quarter that it kinda started sucking and going down big-time :(
It hurts most to be broken-hearted during the holidays. Christmas is no longer my favorite time of the year. I hate the sentimental, cheery music, or the sad, Christmas carols (think 'I'll Be Home for Christmas' et al). They make me think that I'm either a horrible scrooge for not feeling the same way as everyone does, or reminds me that boo, you are alone this Christmas, and you're so not getting what you want for Christmas this year.
I've come up with a not-so-foolproof plan to get through everyday. Make myself super busy and/or surround myself with a lot of people and noise. It kinda stinks though when all that ends, and people head separate ways. I hate the quiet after the noise. Contrary to popular belief, I really would want to get myself out of this rut, to not feel so sad all the time, feeling like there is no possible way I could be happy again. I want to get better. It's either that or just sleep my life away.
It's sad though that every little thing reminds me of you. Every place, every song, every event, there's always something of you there. It's hard for me when there are so many broken dreams and promises. There's always a random fail story, or a new restaurant or bar that I want to tell you about, but I never know if that will be crossing the line. I really don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew or believed in, it's all gone pfft. Nothing is the same, nothing is right anymore.
I can't wait for the day when I wake up and feel like I can take on the world again, and not have so many little tear triggers, although right now it seems like that's either a)an impossible dream or b)a long, long, long, long, loooooong way off from now.
(Hi, LAU! Yes, emo. Hahaha!)
I'm only as good as long as I'm a)surrounded by people, b)keeping busy, and c)being in the midst of and/or making a lot of noise. Once that's over, and everyone goes home, that's when the sadness strikes hardest, making you realize that the farce is over, reminding you of what's real.
Gosh, I miss you. Christmas is what, a mere six days away, and sadly, I really can't get into the spirit of things, no matter what I try. I'm going through the motions, and occasionally, I fool myself into thinking that I've forgotten. But not so deep down, I haven't. Who knew that two months and twelve days later, I'd still hurt. Sure, I don't cry all the time, or spend all day in bed just wanting to sleep forever. I haven't forgotten; it just means I've gotten used to things, gotten better at hiding and managing my feelings. I want so much for things to work out, for us to be friends, if that's really all we will ever be. I throw myself into helping out, into getting busy with stuff, events, parties, and it helps, but only for the time that I'm being busy. Once people leave, things finish, and you head on home, the quiet, everything comes flowing back at you. I hate that feeling. I hate being so helpless, being an ocean away from you, not being able to fix things, not being able to tell you the whole truth of everything. I miss having you to talk to whenever and no matter how long, to tell about my day, or to gripe about haters. We're friends, quite close to being the best friends that we are, but there's still a line that should be drawn, a line I'm afraid to cross, but also a line that I really can't see. I don't know what is enough, what is more than enough, what is considered as crossing the line. Sigh. In spite of everything, I'm determined to not be like the Grinch who stole Christmas. I'll go out, smile, have fun, party, and genuinely TRY to enjoy myself. But I know that at the end of the day, it's really just me, and ONLY me, now.
Who would've imagined that little ol' me would have haters? Haha I mean, I would totally get it if I were a psycho, manipulative freak, but seriously, I have no idea what I've done to have these two girls be such ughs with me. I used to think that it was because the guy one of the sisters was obsessed with was someone I knew since childhood, and have remained buddies with. And yes, my baby sister was his first love. But dude, he's like my little brother, and that puppy love thing's ancient! It's just pathetic. But it's really the closest to a decent reason I (and anyone else) can find. I definitely have never gone out of my way to stick my foot out to make them trip and fall splat on their faces, neither have I have I spread lies about them. I don't know them enough to talk about them to other people. But goshdarnit, I hate that they are with absolutely no breeding at all. The sisters may have gone to ICA, an exclusive all-girls' school that normally produces decent human beings, usually with breeding. But these two are the absolute opposite. Every look they give me oozes with venom. Hahaha I remember how they never fail to turn their heads toward me just to look at me, no matter how far or how out of the way I am. Oh, and how, when I brought my boyfriend to church, you guys kind of shut up and wouldn't look at me. Hilarious. It's funny that I matter so much to them when I have not the slightest clue why they would bestow upon me this much attention ;) But I think it's really sad and incredibly pathetic of them when they resort to cutting in on conversations, pretending I'm not there, or physically pushing me and trying to get me to move away when I was there first. Sigh. I know you girls have the physical weight to make me lose in a battle with the weighing scale, but I really, really have so much more important things to do with my life, important problems that I need to focus on. If any good comes out of this though, it would be you guys gave me a bit of a hysterical break there from worrying about the important stuff in my life. So thanks. God, you've got a great sense of humor. Hahaha
The past few days have been a holiday blur. Surprisingly, I'm getting into the holiday mode, although I still don't feel the Christmas spirit. Lazy, long work days, just begging to be over and done with. Christmas shopping, dinners.
And things haven't been so bad. We're good. We're talking again, Skyping even, just talking, hanging out til we fall asleep, almost like old times. It's been really good, we've been so behaved, trying hard not to fight, to blow up at each other, keeping the other at a safe enough distance, not too close, but not too far either. Although I did feel a bit sad and guilty the other day, you felt really sick, and was making lambing, and I couldn't really do anything about it. It was sad cause I know that back then, I promised I'd take care of you, and it seems, for the past four months you've gone back, I've failed :( Yeah, we're not together anymore, but still, I did let you down several times.
Josiah and I had a moment last night at dinner. It was just the two of us at the table at first, and he leaned in, whispered, "Achi Pau, are you and Ahia _____ still friends?" "Of course! Why do you ask?" "Because I don't see you talking to him that much anymore, or talking to him on the webcam, and he doesn't play Waka-Waka with me anymore." He was just so cute then. I told him, "We still do, just not as much, he's busy now." And Siah was like, "Ohh.." with a thoughtful look on his face. Next to your brothers (and me), Siah must be your biggest fan. Hahaha.
Had dinner with the clan last night in advance for JP's 12th birthday; everything will either be advanced or belated this time of year since it's hard enough getting everyone's schedule to match for time together. Great food, and the great weather (it was a bit chilly out, at least for Manila heat standards, and the sky was clear with stars) was perfect for dinner on the roof deck. Can't wait for the new house to be built, more space for parties, yay. By this time next year hopefully, the house will be up and shining with get-togethers with family and friends.
(That's JP, surprised with a 5th generation iPod for his birthday)
Spending time with family is always great. Laid-back, relaxing, and being just plain silly. Eu and I spent most of the night trying to pry the kids from their computers and socialize, and when we succeeded, got them together for some photos. Last year, I wasn't around for a lot of birthdays and celebrations, so it's somewhat redemptive to be here now. I think I missed a lot of these kiddos. 
I love you guys. Christmas may not be what I hoped it would be, but it'll do, as long as you guys are around.
I'll be fine.
Part of me wishes I could forget too. Forget meeting you, finding out what you are, and everything that's happened since. Because I don't want it to be like this, I don't wanna feel like this. But I can't. With everything that's happened, I can't lose the way I feel about you.
(The Vampire Diaries)
I like how simple life was back then. Go to class in the mornings, hanging out during hourly breaks out in the freezing hallway, covering for you while you hid from your 'best friend', talking about anything and everything, the teasing that you were checking out some girl, or that that guy had the hots for me lol, lunches in the 食堂, naps in the afternoons, studying at Bridge til night time, hotpot dinners at 民宝, walking to the dorm after, chatting til we fell asleep. We were friends, way before anything. Like you said, best friends plus a little awkward chemistry. Haha. Now those were the good old days. No second-guessing each other, just good old fun. Then 'us' happened. Bike racing and bike fights, midnight runs to the convenience store for some chocolate and Minute Maid, 民宝 lunch dates, where we'd eat so much, we had to drag ourselves to get a cab, walking around the Wu in search of our street food dinner, TV series' marathons, commuting more than an hour to 朝阳 or 三里屯儿 and still having fun, shopping trips to 西直门 and 西单, going out during breaks for 包子, hungover mornings with bottles and bottles of Pocari Sweat, being your sous chef-slash-dishwasher when you cooked, and your yaya who made your coffee and PB in the mornings and soy whey drink after you go to the gym, cutting your nails, fun week with your cousins and family, and when in Manila, texting all day and talking on the phone all night til I'd hear you snore, seeing my family fall in love with you, being your plus one, and when you went back, seeing you off at the airport, trying not to cry cause you said not to while you yourself started crying, worrying that you were getting depressed and lonely cause you were alone at first, Skype dates, or just watching you nap, or singing to with a foolish grin on your face. That was great too. It could've been better, we could've been awesome. Loving you and taking care of you, that was my thing. What now?
Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare, I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah, what do I care if they believe me or not
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Was it too much ask? All I wanted was this, with you.
Nothing possibly worse could ever happen to add to all this that is my life.
I give up. You win. I tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't let me in. It's too hard, and I'm so tired. It's just sad that this is how everything ends. How does one actually manage to lose her bestest friend? Beats me, but I should know, I think I just did :(
I asked God for you, specifically for you, did you know that? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you'd choose me, but you did. Which is why it hurts extra now.
You give someone everything, all you have to give, and it's not enough. So how can I believe the myth that one day, there will be someone else, that my everything will be enough for him? It will never be enough for anyone, I see that now. Might as well just curl up into a ball, my claws and fangs will just show themselves when someone comes near, better that than to feel this way again. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies, if I had them.
It WAS good while it lasted. I'm just sorry I disappointed so much. I hate that I still hurt so much, that sleep still can't come after two months and two days, that every little thing reminds me of you. You can't possibly know how this feels, to want to just sleep and sleep, curl up in bed, and cry yourself silly. I really don't know where the tears come from, I must have the Yangtze River hidden in my body somewhere. I hate being so helpless. I think I'll choose not feeling anything all to this.
When people ask, I'll just bite my lip and say we've both moved on, that everything's just fine, that remembering you doesn't kill me inside, that I'm fine. I think I've almost mastered the art of pasting a smile on this pale face of mine, but I have yet to learn to make it reach my eyes and make it seem the least bit more genuine. When will this be over? Will it ever be? I pray and pray and pray for God to take this pain away. So far, it's been a slow answer.
Haha pathetic me, I sobbed into my mom's arms last night, and for a teeny second there, I felt a bit better, but when she left, I just cried myself til I got pooped out and pretended to sleep. I'm so tired, physically, emotionally.
I love my family, how they've pulled through for me, my parents especially, even putting in a week-long trip to HK, just the three of us, they've tried so hard. They ask me how I'm doing regularly, how my heart is doing. How do you tell your parents that your heart is breaking without breaking theirs? I'm sorry for not telling them everything, but it's really hard. But I love how they're there when I do want to share sometimes, and how they've given me space now that I need it.
And gosh, my girls, who I constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY rant to, who always listen, keeping an open mind, giving me their sometimes brutally honest opinions, not siding with me all the time. I know it sucks that almost every conversation we have is about that, I'm already so embarrassed. But it's really comforting to know that they have my back. Always. I wish nothing like this would ever happen to them, but if it does, I'll be right behind them, a hundred and one percent.
I've always had such a good life, I never thought that one day, it would all come to this. Guess it was just right that my perfect little bubble popped. I mean, no one could possibly get what they want and expect to keep it forever.
I'm tired. And sad. I wish it wasn't so :(
I never used to need anyone, I was always strong enough, I could stand on my own. But now, this.
I'm trying hard not to be sad, simply because I have no choice, because I have to. But it's tough stuff especially if you've been down with the flu for a week already, and constantly home alone. It really gets you thinking, is there anything else I could have done, is there anything I could do now. Sometimes, I just want to turn back time, maybe do things differently, or at least enjoy the moment, knowing that at any time, it could all change. I'd want to be a time traveler, just minus the dying early part (btw, I still don't get the whole logic of how a time traveler works, but nvm). There's just so much I still want to say, do, look forward to together. But now..
Nevertheless, pleasant surprises are always welcome, especially when I get messaged first, and asked out on a Skype date :) It really made a very sick girl cheer up temporarily :)