I had dinner last night with old childhood friends. This group is actually a hodge-podge mix, all ages, mostly consisting of siblings. I love them, how can I not when I've known them the longest, but I just don't like it when everyone depends on just you to take charge. I guess I have it in me to automatically take over, my mom says I was born to be a big sister. I savor times with my brother and sister, spoiling them and watching out for my baby cousins, but it's not a character I want to be carrying out all the time, most especially when I'm with friends. With friends, you just wanna chill and have fun, not worry about stuff, about where we're eating, or fret about not having made plans ahead of time. So I may have to loosen up still, but please, when you make plans, please ensure that you MAKE THEM. I do not enjoy stress, really I don't, least of all be the party pooper. It's just that, when you plan something, please please please follow through. I know we're all in the age of just-keep-livin as a mantra, then again, I don't know. The holidays are getting stressful! Another sign of old age. You know you're not a kid anymore when Christmas starts getting to your head and stops being just fun, eh. Even figuring out what to order was tiring.
--------------
A trending tag on Twitter today is #dearfuturehusband. I saw @TheRealJordin say: "#dearfuturehusband I pray for you and struggles you may have before you even meet me, daily. Also that you'll ♥ Jesus, football and music as much as I do ☺"
I love the thought of praying for that one person you are destined to spending the rest of your life with, even if you haven't met him/her, and if that is in the ultimate plan for you. It's what I do, it's what I still do, if not for my future husband, then at least for that special person in my life right now, who is possibly in it for good. I pray for you, your family, for whatever struggles you may have, even now, even if it has nothing to do with me at all. That God will watch over you when I can't. And how I pray that you'll love Jesus, music, helping people and just being silly together as much as I do. No matter what happens. God has always been faithful in answering my prayers, and I believe he will continue to :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I take it back. I do want for more; it's actually sitting the fence between want and need. It's a shame that it's something I have to keep to myself and not be able to share it with anyone (for now), not even my best friend. Not even my closest girlfriends. Well, God knows. He should, seeing as how He's the only One who can really get into my head. I guess it's just right, since these kinds of things are the type only He can figure out.
I did ask for something like this before. It seemed impossible. I meant it, I'm sure I did, but how I remember it, I remember it as an afterthought to my before-bed prayers. It was sincere, cause I remember praying for it a lot, and by a lot, I mean, several months. So when it came, when I got it, while I didn't immediately flash back to the time when I surprised myself and prayed for it that first time, I knew it was something I couldn't have gotten, at least not on my own merits. It's not that I lack confidence in myself, I just know what I am capable of and what I'm not. Anyhow, I realized that God answered that prayer like a month into this thing. And I was gobsmacked at the very least. That He would give me something seemingly unreachable, and so so beautiful. Hint.
Just a random slow day thought.
My days of late are good. Work from nine to six, drive sister to and from school, quiet time+work out a bit after, Skype at night, yoga/exercise with the guy on Saturdays, family time on weekends, occasional dinners with friends, coffee/tea dates. Most times, I cannot ask for more :)
--
The holidays coming up make life a little bit more topsy-turvy than they already are, planning parties, dinners, events and vacations, rushing to and from such, buying presents, braving the metro traffic and malls--this time of the year, in crazy Manila, you can't tell which is worse: traffic along EDSA and Greenhills or the crush of people inside malls, scrambling to get their Christmas shopping done. I'm afraid I've succumbed to this once-a-year syndrome, and I'm not enjoying it. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas. The other week, Rainy and I were wondering if it was just us, like there's a problem with us missing out on the whole meaning of the holidays, or if it was spending the season in Beijing and people there not celebrating it the way we were used to kind of killing the Christmas spirit in us. Maybe we're just growing up. Make a big fuss about it, but not really getting why people go through all the trouble to make it some big event. I clearly know Christmas is about the birth of Christ, His manifestation from God to man, but I also think that it's something to be pondered about every single second of every day of our lives.
--
So I discovered this morning, to my dismay, that my sister and I have an intelligent water heater system in our bathroom, which apparently turned on its non-existent DST (daylight saving time) and turned itself off--obviously though, it's gotten its whole season set-up all wrong. I stood to the side of the shower for a good five minutes, waiting for the darn water to heat up. And it didn't. I know, it sounds like a waste of water, and I'm sure it was, and that I'm in Manila, a tropical city. But you have to understand that A) I sleep in a very cold, air-conditioned room where the a/c is turned off half an hour before I wake up, so the room stays really cool; and B) despite living in a country below the equator, it's been chilly lately, with a cold front touching normally humid ol' Manila. So cold showers are not an option for me. Yeah, this means I haven't taken a bath yet. Sue me.
So it may be late in the day (already 5:22pm), but I'm starting to think today isn't all that bad. Been a lazy and down past couple of days, but hey, who hasn't had a crummy start to the week.
Kinda liking the job, slowly. Working for the parents is not ideal, or at least, it definitely wasn't in the books to be in this so early in life. The family businesses were always part of the far future, something to fall back on, something eventual but not immediate. But here I am. Grudgingly at first. But it's starting to grow on me. To its benefit, being in the food industry is relatively fun. Sure, frozen yogurt isn't exactly food food, but it's there. And expanding the business makes things just that much more exciting. Not to mention having a friend come in and work with us helped a million times more. When I first started out, having gotten back from BJ, I thought it would be something I'd be doing for a year, tops, then out the door running I'll go. But a year later, it's growing on me. I feel like there's so much potential to develop and grow the business. It's a totally different thing to be working outside of course. But I'll get there. While I still don't see this as a permanent career, as long as I can contribute to this, I'll keep at it. Ultimately, the plan is to go abroad, maybe still Asia (like HK or Beijing), or even Vancouver or something. Let's stick it out here for the moment. There are important factors to consider, most importantly people. Never planned on staying in the Philippines long-term, but times have changed, I have changed. So many things to factor in the whole life equation now.
We were talking yesterday, and he was like,
Don't you get the feeling that things have changed? I mean, since doing Beijing. It's like you don't belong here anymore, even if it is technically home. People aren't the same, family's not the same, least of all friends. They don't understand us, and there's an unspoken, invisible gap now. Guess it's because we've changed, and they've changed, whether they admit it or not, in the time we were away. Beijing's changed us. I guess that's why we tend to stick together with the BJ gang. Cause we get each other, we know what is was like in Beijing, we feel what it's like here. That's why we're so bonded, simple as that.And then we just sat there, waiting for the traffic light to turn green.
I miss Beijing.
I don't get why some people give me (sometimes unsolicited) advice, and tell me that it's still up to me, bahala ka what you wanna do, but then get constantly on my case about why I did what I did. It's really not a matter of being rebellious, but don't you think I know what my actions may result in? I know the consequences of whatever choices I make, really. And it's hard when I am both treated like a kid and expected to act my age; where's the middle ground in that? Let me tell you: there isn't. I'm just so tired. You want me to tell you everything, you keep expecting things to be the same as how it was before. But change is inevitable and constant. Who's to say that these changes have been for the worst? Maybe people just need to accept things, embrace change. You can still be there, still advise, but try not to be so judgmental. You blame me for so much, but have you ever stopped to think that I have never, not once, despite the hurt and pain it's caused not just me, blamed you for things turning out the way they have? So don't hate, don't judge. Sure, when you get down to things, it all began with me. But you helped by dipping your hand in the mix and stirring hard. A lot. No one's perfect, most of all me. So I don't blame. In the end, I know. I know. I am consciously aware of what may come, and I think that's being adult. I want to be able to share, to tell, but it doesn't come easy when every word and action I give elicits a sermon. I'm sorry to burst the bubble that I am or was some perfect little girl who saw things in black and white. The real world, however, contains shades of grey. It doesn't mean I'm a heathen now for it.
Sorry, it's just been a frustrating past few days. Slappin a smile on the face to get through what could be another terribly long week.
Wow. On impulse last night, I looked up my old blog (this one), which I haven't seen in months, and just reading on how I was ten months ago, can't believe how much has changed and happened. Back then, I was depressed, bitter, heartbroken--who was I to know that only a couple of weeks after that last entry on January 7th, things would start to take a turn for the better?
It's November 15th of 2010, I'm so much happier, content, although perhaps a bit hardened now by certain life experiences, but nevertheless BETTER. Granted, any little improvement from how I was then would be good, and seeing where I am right now is amazing. God is good. Life's still not perfect, I'm not perfect, neither am I expecting to ever be, but God always is. God, life and love is good :)
It's funny in a mean, somewhat ironic kinda way how I thought that this would be the year where I'd get to celebrate the holidays, birthdays, and whatnot random days with you. Maybe not physically there or here both at the same time, but at least together, knowing you were there for me and vice versa. It's crazy how things change. And it really stinks to sometimes feel like you're the only one hurting, and the only one who's really affected by everything. It makes you feel invisible, insignificant, forgettable. It's already been three months and a day since we gave up. Can't believe I'm still breathing.
I was so sad, with the holidays and everything, plus your birthday the other day. I had so many things planned months ago, both surprises and simple, typical birthday stuff. I wish I could've been with you to ring in your birthday, to share in your day. A well-planned celebration turned to cancellations and a sad night alone. Well, we got to talk a bit, so I guess it was okay. We got to clear some things up, so I guess it's alright too, in a small way. And I guess I did get to surprise both of us unexpectedly, definitely not the way I thought it would be. But still, regrets. I wanted to make your first birthday with us together a happy one. I really, really did.
Well, your day's over now, so it's back to the old grind. Just me and me. And crap, my birthday's coming up next. That sucks. People have been asking me what I plan to do, but I'm stumped. I don't feel like much fun, guess dinner with everyone complete, just like last year's birthday would be fine with me, but with people coming and going, people forgetting, people making plans without me, that kind of seems impossible. Again, amazing how I expected this birthday to be one of the best I've had, and then how things change in a couple of months. Sigh, we'll see. Maybe things will start to look up for me in the coming weeks, or maybe not.
One thing to look forward to though: a Saturday filled with my best girls and Jun, a movie, food, and karaoke (although I'm not so sure I'll make it to the last one, booooo). Please, PLEASE let this be a good weekend.
It's a selfish thought, but sometimes I think I'm the only who's affected and the only one who hurts because of everything. It's not fair, unlike you, I don't have Beijing to distract me :(
You know how it feels? It's like having a part of your body almost severed, then someone comes along and holds it up, tries to glue it together or stitch it up, loving and caring, but then halfway through, he turns and something else catches his eye. He realizes you're not the greatest or the most fun company after all, and drops that ruined limb, and goes away without ever looking back at you. In incredible pain, you wish he just ripped it off right away instead of letting you go through this torturous hurt. Just like that, he leaves, making you wonder what you did wrong.
I must admit that the prospect of a new year, starting over, experiencing new things, is a little exciting. Daunting, yes, but still. Even if it's hard saying goodbye to a mostly good year, nine great months, eight months and three days of those with you. It was only near the end that it kinda sucked. Nevertheless, I'm trying to get better. I want to make 2010 count for something. Sure, 2009 kicked ass from the very beginning, starting from ringing in the NY with awesome friends in a way only Beijing knows how. A lot's happened since then, mostly good stuff, as I've said.
I won't lie. I'm still a lot sad, and I think that no matter what happens, no matter how long, I will always be a little sad, a little hurt, a little broken. Even so, I will praise the God who gives and takes away. But I am still trusting that God didn't bring you into my life just to take you away from me forever. Keyword: forever. Ever after's worth waiting for, don't you think?
God, thank You for 2009, for my absolutely loving family, for everything I've experienced, for all the awesome people I've met and connected with, for showing me love can come from someone else aside from You and family, for teaching me to love unconditionally, and yes, maybe even for the heartbreak, cause for all I know, You're trying to teach me something. I want so much for this to be a good year. It'll be tough trying to top the last one, but I guess that's where the anticipation lies. I really pray God'll bring you back to me, if not in that old way, then at least bring me back my best friend. I asked for you once before, that seemingly impossible prayer that you would fall in love with me, and God gave me that much; maybe He'll answer my different prayer again.
Anyhow, let's make sure 2010 kicks 2009's ass! ♥