I don't know when I will ever be completely okay, or IF I will ever be really okay. Believe me, I do want to be.
I think Siah was put on this earth to keep reminding me of you. He asked me during Christmas eve dinner, "If Ahia Rainy was not in China, would he be having dinner with us?" All I could say was, I don't know, maybe he'll spend it with his family. Josiah's so cute. Such a boy, but he does say the darndest things.
I still miss you. Bwisit. I try not to though.
I really thought we'd spend the holidays together. Maybe not physically present, but TOGETHER at least. Guess I took for granted that you would always be around for every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday.
It's two days before Christmas! And I'm not ready.
Well, part of me feels like wanting to get this freakin' year over and done with, another part wants to hold on. After all, for the most part, this year was great; it was only the last quarter that it kinda started sucking and going down big-time :(
It hurts most to be broken-hearted during the holidays. Christmas is no longer my favorite time of the year. I hate the sentimental, cheery music, or the sad, Christmas carols (think 'I'll Be Home for Christmas' et al). They make me think that I'm either a horrible scrooge for not feeling the same way as everyone does, or reminds me that boo, you are alone this Christmas, and you're so not getting what you want for Christmas this year.
I've come up with a not-so-foolproof plan to get through everyday. Make myself super busy and/or surround myself with a lot of people and noise. It kinda stinks though when all that ends, and people head separate ways. I hate the quiet after the noise. Contrary to popular belief, I really would want to get myself out of this rut, to not feel so sad all the time, feeling like there is no possible way I could be happy again. I want to get better. It's either that or just sleep my life away.
It's sad though that every little thing reminds me of you. Every place, every song, every event, there's always something of you there. It's hard for me when there are so many broken dreams and promises. There's always a random fail story, or a new restaurant or bar that I want to tell you about, but I never know if that will be crossing the line. I really don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew or believed in, it's all gone pfft. Nothing is the same, nothing is right anymore.
I can't wait for the day when I wake up and feel like I can take on the world again, and not have so many little tear triggers, although right now it seems like that's either a)an impossible dream or b)a long, long, long, long, loooooong way off from now.
(Hi, LAU! Yes, emo. Hahaha!)
I'm only as good as long as I'm a)surrounded by people, b)keeping busy, and c)being in the midst of and/or making a lot of noise. Once that's over, and everyone goes home, that's when the sadness strikes hardest, making you realize that the farce is over, reminding you of what's real.
Gosh, I miss you. Christmas is what, a mere six days away, and sadly, I really can't get into the spirit of things, no matter what I try. I'm going through the motions, and occasionally, I fool myself into thinking that I've forgotten. But not so deep down, I haven't. Who knew that two months and twelve days later, I'd still hurt. Sure, I don't cry all the time, or spend all day in bed just wanting to sleep forever. I haven't forgotten; it just means I've gotten used to things, gotten better at hiding and managing my feelings. I want so much for things to work out, for us to be friends, if that's really all we will ever be. I throw myself into helping out, into getting busy with stuff, events, parties, and it helps, but only for the time that I'm being busy. Once people leave, things finish, and you head on home, the quiet, everything comes flowing back at you. I hate that feeling. I hate being so helpless, being an ocean away from you, not being able to fix things, not being able to tell you the whole truth of everything. I miss having you to talk to whenever and no matter how long, to tell about my day, or to gripe about haters. We're friends, quite close to being the best friends that we are, but there's still a line that should be drawn, a line I'm afraid to cross, but also a line that I really can't see. I don't know what is enough, what is more than enough, what is considered as crossing the line. Sigh. In spite of everything, I'm determined to not be like the Grinch who stole Christmas. I'll go out, smile, have fun, party, and genuinely TRY to enjoy myself. But I know that at the end of the day, it's really just me, and ONLY me, now.
Who would've imagined that little ol' me would have haters? Haha I mean, I would totally get it if I were a psycho, manipulative freak, but seriously, I have no idea what I've done to have these two girls be such ughs with me. I used to think that it was because the guy one of the sisters was obsessed with was someone I knew since childhood, and have remained buddies with. And yes, my baby sister was his first love. But dude, he's like my little brother, and that puppy love thing's ancient! It's just pathetic. But it's really the closest to a decent reason I (and anyone else) can find. I definitely have never gone out of my way to stick my foot out to make them trip and fall splat on their faces, neither have I have I spread lies about them. I don't know them enough to talk about them to other people. But goshdarnit, I hate that they are with absolutely no breeding at all. The sisters may have gone to ICA, an exclusive all-girls' school that normally produces decent human beings, usually with breeding. But these two are the absolute opposite. Every look they give me oozes with venom. Hahaha I remember how they never fail to turn their heads toward me just to look at me, no matter how far or how out of the way I am. Oh, and how, when I brought my boyfriend to church, you guys kind of shut up and wouldn't look at me. Hilarious. It's funny that I matter so much to them when I have not the slightest clue why they would bestow upon me this much attention ;) But I think it's really sad and incredibly pathetic of them when they resort to cutting in on conversations, pretending I'm not there, or physically pushing me and trying to get me to move away when I was there first. Sigh. I know you girls have the physical weight to make me lose in a battle with the weighing scale, but I really, really have so much more important things to do with my life, important problems that I need to focus on. If any good comes out of this though, it would be you guys gave me a bit of a hysterical break there from worrying about the important stuff in my life. So thanks. God, you've got a great sense of humor. Hahaha
The past few days have been a holiday blur. Surprisingly, I'm getting into the holiday mode, although I still don't feel the Christmas spirit. Lazy, long work days, just begging to be over and done with. Christmas shopping, dinners.
And things haven't been so bad. We're good. We're talking again, Skyping even, just talking, hanging out til we fall asleep, almost like old times. It's been really good, we've been so behaved, trying hard not to fight, to blow up at each other, keeping the other at a safe enough distance, not too close, but not too far either. Although I did feel a bit sad and guilty the other day, you felt really sick, and was making lambing, and I couldn't really do anything about it. It was sad cause I know that back then, I promised I'd take care of you, and it seems, for the past four months you've gone back, I've failed :( Yeah, we're not together anymore, but still, I did let you down several times.
Josiah and I had a moment last night at dinner. It was just the two of us at the table at first, and he leaned in, whispered, "Achi Pau, are you and Ahia _____ still friends?" "Of course! Why do you ask?" "Because I don't see you talking to him that much anymore, or talking to him on the webcam, and he doesn't play Waka-Waka with me anymore." He was just so cute then. I told him, "We still do, just not as much, he's busy now." And Siah was like, "Ohh.." with a thoughtful look on his face. Next to your brothers (and me), Siah must be your biggest fan. Hahaha.
Had dinner with the clan last night in advance for JP's 12th birthday; everything will either be advanced or belated this time of year since it's hard enough getting everyone's schedule to match for time together. Great food, and the great weather (it was a bit chilly out, at least for Manila heat standards, and the sky was clear with stars) was perfect for dinner on the roof deck. Can't wait for the new house to be built, more space for parties, yay. By this time next year hopefully, the house will be up and shining with get-togethers with family and friends.
(That's JP, surprised with a 5th generation iPod for his birthday)
Spending time with family is always great. Laid-back, relaxing, and being just plain silly. Eu and I spent most of the night trying to pry the kids from their computers and socialize, and when we succeeded, got them together for some photos. Last year, I wasn't around for a lot of birthdays and celebrations, so it's somewhat redemptive to be here now. I think I missed a lot of these kiddos. 
I love you guys. Christmas may not be what I hoped it would be, but it'll do, as long as you guys are around.
I'll be fine.
Part of me wishes I could forget too. Forget meeting you, finding out what you are, and everything that's happened since. Because I don't want it to be like this, I don't wanna feel like this. But I can't. With everything that's happened, I can't lose the way I feel about you.
(The Vampire Diaries)
I like how simple life was back then. Go to class in the mornings, hanging out during hourly breaks out in the freezing hallway, covering for you while you hid from your 'best friend', talking about anything and everything, the teasing that you were checking out some girl, or that that guy had the hots for me lol, lunches in the 食堂, naps in the afternoons, studying at Bridge til night time, hotpot dinners at 民宝, walking to the dorm after, chatting til we fell asleep. We were friends, way before anything. Like you said, best friends plus a little awkward chemistry. Haha. Now those were the good old days. No second-guessing each other, just good old fun. Then 'us' happened. Bike racing and bike fights, midnight runs to the convenience store for some chocolate and Minute Maid, 民宝 lunch dates, where we'd eat so much, we had to drag ourselves to get a cab, walking around the Wu in search of our street food dinner, TV series' marathons, commuting more than an hour to 朝阳 or 三里屯儿 and still having fun, shopping trips to 西直门 and 西单, going out during breaks for 包子, hungover mornings with bottles and bottles of Pocari Sweat, being your sous chef-slash-dishwasher when you cooked, and your yaya who made your coffee and PB in the mornings and soy whey drink after you go to the gym, cutting your nails, fun week with your cousins and family, and when in Manila, texting all day and talking on the phone all night til I'd hear you snore, seeing my family fall in love with you, being your plus one, and when you went back, seeing you off at the airport, trying not to cry cause you said not to while you yourself started crying, worrying that you were getting depressed and lonely cause you were alone at first, Skype dates, or just watching you nap, or singing to with a foolish grin on your face. That was great too. It could've been better, we could've been awesome. Loving you and taking care of you, that was my thing. What now?
Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare, I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah, what do I care if they believe me or not
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Was it too much ask? All I wanted was this, with you.
Nothing possibly worse could ever happen to add to all this that is my life.
I give up. You win. I tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't let me in. It's too hard, and I'm so tired. It's just sad that this is how everything ends. How does one actually manage to lose her bestest friend? Beats me, but I should know, I think I just did :(
I asked God for you, specifically for you, did you know that? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you'd choose me, but you did. Which is why it hurts extra now.
You give someone everything, all you have to give, and it's not enough. So how can I believe the myth that one day, there will be someone else, that my everything will be enough for him? It will never be enough for anyone, I see that now. Might as well just curl up into a ball, my claws and fangs will just show themselves when someone comes near, better that than to feel this way again. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies, if I had them.
It WAS good while it lasted. I'm just sorry I disappointed so much. I hate that I still hurt so much, that sleep still can't come after two months and two days, that every little thing reminds me of you. You can't possibly know how this feels, to want to just sleep and sleep, curl up in bed, and cry yourself silly. I really don't know where the tears come from, I must have the Yangtze River hidden in my body somewhere. I hate being so helpless. I think I'll choose not feeling anything all to this.
When people ask, I'll just bite my lip and say we've both moved on, that everything's just fine, that remembering you doesn't kill me inside, that I'm fine. I think I've almost mastered the art of pasting a smile on this pale face of mine, but I have yet to learn to make it reach my eyes and make it seem the least bit more genuine. When will this be over? Will it ever be? I pray and pray and pray for God to take this pain away. So far, it's been a slow answer.
Haha pathetic me, I sobbed into my mom's arms last night, and for a teeny second there, I felt a bit better, but when she left, I just cried myself til I got pooped out and pretended to sleep. I'm so tired, physically, emotionally.
I love my family, how they've pulled through for me, my parents especially, even putting in a week-long trip to HK, just the three of us, they've tried so hard. They ask me how I'm doing regularly, how my heart is doing. How do you tell your parents that your heart is breaking without breaking theirs? I'm sorry for not telling them everything, but it's really hard. But I love how they're there when I do want to share sometimes, and how they've given me space now that I need it.
And gosh, my girls, who I constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY rant to, who always listen, keeping an open mind, giving me their sometimes brutally honest opinions, not siding with me all the time. I know it sucks that almost every conversation we have is about that, I'm already so embarrassed. But it's really comforting to know that they have my back. Always. I wish nothing like this would ever happen to them, but if it does, I'll be right behind them, a hundred and one percent.
I've always had such a good life, I never thought that one day, it would all come to this. Guess it was just right that my perfect little bubble popped. I mean, no one could possibly get what they want and expect to keep it forever.
I'm tired. And sad. I wish it wasn't so :(
I never used to need anyone, I was always strong enough, I could stand on my own. But now, this.
I'm trying hard not to be sad, simply because I have no choice, because I have to. But it's tough stuff especially if you've been down with the flu for a week already, and constantly home alone. It really gets you thinking, is there anything else I could have done, is there anything I could do now. Sometimes, I just want to turn back time, maybe do things differently, or at least enjoy the moment, knowing that at any time, it could all change. I'd want to be a time traveler, just minus the dying early part (btw, I still don't get the whole logic of how a time traveler works, but nvm). There's just so much I still want to say, do, look forward to together. But now..
Nevertheless, pleasant surprises are always welcome, especially when I get messaged first, and asked out on a Skype date :) It really made a very sick girl cheer up temporarily :)
Having zero tears to cry when you want/need to :(
Yup, after a month and 20 days, I have finally run dry. It's just plain sad. Gone are the days where I would lose at least 2 pounds after a good, long cry. Haha but let me just clarify that I do not cry to lose weight! I'll probably hate myself for saying this, but I would rather be fat and together than thin and heartbroken. It just so happens to be the one good thing that came out of crying so much! Lol
I was a bit sad yesterday, and tried to cry, but nothing would come out. It felt bad. I felt frustrated, emotionless. Like not much would affect me anymore. It's kinda scary.
So I tried to sleep. Amazing thing was, after a nice late afternoon massage, and being sick to boot, I couldn't sleep at all. No matter how much I tried, not moving, keeping my eyes closed, sleep just wouldn't come. I just gave up and researched on photography and Christmas wish lists, and playing with Looklet.com with my sister instead. That was fun, especially when she accidentally made the model wear... ;) Oh, and FRIENDS marathon, again.
It was getting late, so I decided I had to try to sleep even just a little. No luck there. It sucked how A) I couldn't, even if my life depended on it (which it probably does), sleep even a mere half hour, B) how (paranoid) images of you and other um, people, kept jumping up at me (almost like counting sheep, except these KEPT me awake; usually, remembering you makes me happy, nostalgic, apparently these views weren't the best) while my eyes were closed, and they weren't the greatest things to think about either, and C) I couldn't cry in frustration of the first two reasons, which just resulted in a night of tossing and turning in bed. Blah.
And now, I have not eye bags, but eye luggage. Yes, they're that bad. I used to think I looked fairly decent when I got out of bed in the mornings, but now I can say with 100% confidence that I look like I got out of a bad zombie movie. I told Lau, "I'm single AND ugly!" Hahaha!
Oh well, it's another day, not great, but it's early, I'd like to think every day has the potential to be better than the one before, hopefully :)
My phone rang with your specialized message tone, and for a split second, I thought it was you. Turns out it was just a wrong phone call, I forgot that your message tone and the regular ring tone were one and the same.
Sigh.
So tired. Of everything, of everyone.
Okay, maybe not everyone.
I can't compete with your career, your friends, your flatmates, your new life. Which is why I am exceptionally understanding and patient, or as you think I am. I'd fight if I thought I had the slightest chance of winning the battle.
There are days when I just wanna scream for no apparent reason! Now is one of them :(
I just feel crappy, and I hate making everyone else around me feel the same way :( I really should be locked up, and they should throw away the key..
There's little else I like more than looking forward to the weekend. But then I also tend to see right away that after an awesome Friday comes a lazy Saturday, after which comes a quick Sunday, and is then inevitably and seemingly immediately followed by a sucky Monday. Lau says I'm a weekend killer by reminding her that a true blue Monday looms near every Friday night. But I can't help it, I've learned to not expect too much, you are less disappointed that way :(
Had a nice, laidback day with the girls. While I had to work a bit in the morning, we met up to have a late lunch at Beijing Hand-pulled Noodles, 奶茶 at Serenitea, then hung out at Patsy's mansion. I notice that when we get together, we talk about everything and anything under the sun. We reminisce a lot about our joint history, about people we know but aren't there to defend themselves, the silliest things, torment each other about the others' quirks and mannerisms, ask about how our week went, future plans, etc. You guys make laugh, forget for a while! And for as long as I've know all of these girls, poor Steph is always picked on, but she's also the most gracious to not ever get annoyed with us. Yet :D
It was relaxing, been a while since I've spent my Saturday like that. I miss lazy Saturdays, lunch and just doing nothing. While it was great fun, I gave in to nostalgia, since it also reminded me how it was before when everyone was still home. It's been months already, three months and five days. Sigh.
(Yes, this is the face of an exasperated, tired me. Quite flattering, if I dare say so myself. Sleep-deprived, food-eating-yet-not-gaining Pau. Lol.)
Saw my friend/baby brother Norts this evening. He hugged me, looked at me long and hard, and said, "You look better, you look happy." I smiled, thinking I wasn't really happy happy, just more resigned perhaps, and accepting of certain recent facts of life. I still miss, still hurt, but as we always say, we gotta do what we gotta do :|
(I super appreciate and love you, Norton Cheng, boy I saw grow up from a scruffy kid to a charming ladies' man, I wish nothing like this will ever touch your still-just-a-boy heart :) )
I'm getting better, I think. You and I, we're getting better. We're friends now, not that we ever really stopped being. Maybe we're just seeing the line that divides best friend and lover a bit more clearly.
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, God.
I want my own pretty little car (maybe a cute Range Rover, or VW Beetle! Or a Mini-Coop, even just a Swift!), one that I won't have to play tug-of-war with my supposedly little brother! Who gets stuck with the mini-van? Moi, of course! Ack, je ne sais quoi!
Wow, looking back on my post about celebrating New Year's 2009 with a bang, I suddenly remembered that 2008's NYE was uneventful, and I wrote then that I'd make sure I'd have a kick-ass time welcoming the next one, and I DID! Success! So at least I wasn't a total fail, eh? Hahaha well, 2009 has been awesome, but here's hoping that 2010 will be awesome-er! Even legen...wait for it...dary! I'm determined to make next year one for the books! :)
Okay, so I didn't exactly get the sleep I was looking forward to, but closing your eyes pretending to sleep for 8 hours isn't so bad once you've gotten used to it :D
So the past month, I've been living one day at a time, going through the motions, trying to look forward to one little extraordinary thing that could come that day. Not exactly seizing the day, I know, but it's something. It could be going out for 奶茶 after work, or a massage, or a Wii marathon with my kid cousins, anything that would even just slightly break the rigidity of every day life. Well, lucky me, I have a bridal shower tonight, this counts as something extra special!
It's cliche, but I'm pretty sure it has always been almost every little girl's dream to one day get married to her idea of Prince Charming, and yes, I have been the cliche-ic girl of old, wanting nothing more than to meet, fall in love with the guy who would also be my best friend, and eventually my partner in life, after which we would live happily ever after, and have a whole van-load of kids. Well, I got the first two, the last part's just been put on hold. Indefinitely. Permanently? I don't know. A friend and I have already come up with a contingency plan in case we end up spinsters/old maids, God forbid. Hahaha
So a lot's changed in the past month. There's learning how to do things, going about my day alone. Not physically, of course, people are always around, family, friends, perfect strangers, but rather, emotionally. You know the feeling of knowing that there's always that one person you can message or call in an instant just cause some rude guy stole your parking space after you've been waiting for 15 minutes? It's like being so sure, secure. And if that someone is not only the guy you're in love with, but also your best friend, well, it makes things a million times better. There are absolutely no pretenses, not when you're with someone who knows you inside out, and yet still wants to be with you in spite of. Good things usually come to an end, as has been the case for me.
That first month away was terrible, especially on Saturdays, just going through the motions of my day, cause Saturdays were usually spent with him, trying to some new place, getting milk tea, enjoying. Well, after three months and thirteen days since he's left, I've gotten a bit used to it. Saturdays still suck, but not as much. I get to go out and meet my friends a whole lot more--lunches, dinners, partying, milk tea dates.
And can I just say, I LOVE YOU GIRLS FOR BEING HERE THIS WHOLE TIME, being sad with me and trying to slap me out of it when my pity parties get to be too much. Sorry that I sometimes become a burden, and that it's really 麻烦 to try cheering me up when I won't. I love how Beijing gave me the best people, the bestest friends; granted, our friendships were sped up by the amount of time we spent together and our proximity to each other, and the whole being so far from home factor, not to mention the experiences we've had. But then, you guys have become my forever friends, I couldn't imagine having things any other way :)
Wow, I think this was the last time we were all together. So long, Shani's been to Beijing and back already. Haha!
Ack, I'm really in no mood to write. My mind's all over the place, obviously. But yesterday was a good day. And today feels good. It's started out good, I'm hoping it will get better :)
After a very, very long hiatus from the blogging world, I am back. Or so I am, for now, til something else catches my fancy and I am once again thrust into the craziness. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, my world's just been insane, both in a good and bad way. I've changed a whole lot, and for the better, I'd like to think. A little, no, a lot rough around the edges, but more mature, definitely more independent, a bit more confident, although that has taken a few bashes of its own. But that's another story.
The past year's brought on a lot of new stuff--people, places, experiences, emotions. I found love, loved lov
e, and right now, have taken a respite from it, although for how long, or if it's definite, I don't know yet. I refuse to say that I've lost love, cause I know deep down, it's not true. I know how you feel, you know how I feel, thus, I still can't really say. Like you said, we're not God, I don't know what tomorrow holds. What I want and what God wants are two totally different things, but along this long road, it may merge. I'm hopeful but not stupid. I'm not closing any doors, life has a funny way of bringing into and taking people from our lives. You got that from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, right? I'll watch that soon.
Anyway, being alone for the first time in a long time, it gets me thinking. And while I am in this positive, upbeat, my-life-does-not-completely-suck mood, I've decided on a self-imposed self-improvement plan, and on the top of my list is me hoping to be able to take up writing again. None of that heavy stuff, just what I feel, when I feel it, how I feel it. My life as it passes, as I grow and learn. I guess I've been a bit too caught up in everything that I just never found the time to write.
Gosh, there's just so much to tell about, I can't even begin. I've had the best year, best eight months of my life, although it's not to say that it's been without tears and heartache.
There's a lot I have to do, a lot I have to learn to do, definitely a lot I have to re-learn. A whole lot.
But I'm tired now, and I'm very optimistic that tonight, I'll get my second almost-full-night of sleep in over a month. These eyebags need to go! :)
So, since I never really spent the holidays away from home, I was wondering how Christmas and New Year's Eve would be like. Christmas turned out to be great because my brother and sister came all the way from Manila to surprise me, and they got to celebrate with me and my friends. But they left the day after Christmas, so I was feeling a bit homesick, and not at all expecting New Year's Eve to amount to much. My friends wanted to go out for NYE, and I was like, yeah, let's! Just because it would have been sad to stay in while the rest of the world's ringing in the new year.
The night's festivities started out with a buffet teppanyaki dinner at Tairyo 太渔, just the girls. It was so good to have seafood for a change, since we hardly ever get to eat seafood here (if anything, that's ONE good point Manila has, all the seafood you can eat!). I think the chef and managers didn't think we would eat too much, coz really now, how much food can nine girls consume, right? But hey, it was new year's, so might as well make the most out of it. I think we stayed there for a full 3 hours. And just a side note, my personal opinion is that Tairyo's chefs are a bunch of flirts. The first time we ate there for Maisie's despedida, the chef was hitting on the girls, Shani especially, even going as far as to ask for her number; she gave him Rainy's number instead. Haha. Anyway, this second time at Tairyo, we were debating on what would be the proper Chinese term of respect for the chef. The choices were 服务员，师傅，and this other word for 'chef'. The argument wasn't getting anywhere, so Elaine finally decided to ask him how we should call him, and with a big grin on his face, the chef said, "(Insert name here), 你喜欢吗?" Oh, we just burst into laughter after that!
Finally very, very full, we headed to The Village at Sanlitun 三里屯 to meet up with the others for the countdown. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year!!! And that was that. Went to Nanjie for some to get pre-drinks, then ended up at Bling. Spent the rest of the night/morning dancing away 2008 and welcoming in 2009. None of that craziness, but just really great fun celebrating with friends. And would you believe it was the first time I never, not once, felt sleepy?? It was an incredible feat, a fact all can attest to, coz I am usually sleepy starting 10pm, which sucks. Hubert, for one, always, when seeing me, asks me, "Are you sleepy yet? Because everytime I see you, you're either drunk or sleepy." Heeey, I'm NEVER drunk! Just because my usually big eyes (I still say my eyes aren't all THAT big!) droop to tiny slits like the rest of you Chinese people when I'm sleepy doesn't mean I'm drunk. Haha.
Anyway, it was an awesome night/morning, with the party ending around 5:30am. Got food to eat, and everyone headed home about 6am. Got back to the dorm around 6:30am, just in time for the 服务员 to open our dorm doors. Pretty much fell on the bed and woke up around noon. Surprisingly, I was not at all sleepy, just could feel a bit tired, but in a good way. Couldn't stop moving either, like the night/morning's dancing wasn't enough. Everytime I heard music played, I just wanted to keep moving. It was insane! And if you knew me, and how I usually am, you'd find it hilarious too!
That was, by far, the best NYE I've ever had. New Year's usually spent with family, and I love those times like crazy too, but this one will go down in the books as THE BEST with great friends and good fun, and in a way only Beijing knows how.
Thanks for 2008, you guys. ♥
How was your NYE?
I don't like how the cold weather makes me lazy and wanna sleep all the time, so every chance I get, I go running or swimming. Lately, it's been the latter, since it's usually freezing out, which makes the school's indoor pool seem so much more appealing, that and the fact that swimming is the one sport I'm actually good at.
So I talked to the 服务员 (fuwuyuan), paid for my swimming card, and asked to take a look at the pool, wanting to make sure I wasn't paying for some cheap, dirty, piss and spit-filled pool. To get to the main pool area, I had to go through the women's locker and shower room. Imagine my horror when I walked in and there were about four butt-naked old women. And I say butt-naked not to be crude, but because I could SEE their butts (and so, SO much more). I had no idea where to look, so after shifting my eyes to one side and then to another, which was useless coz they were on both sides of me, I opted for looking down at the floor while walking. What's funny is while I was so embarrassed coz I walked in on them, they seemed to not care at all. They were in no hurry to put on clothes, and were taking their sweet time in walking about, chatting with each other, doing their thing.
Having somewhat recovered from that initial experience, I decided to brave the locker room again and went to go swim. It was better since there were less old women in the locker room, but still a bit unnerving. I swum a few laps, then headed on to shower and change. Just as I was about to finish, who walks into the locker room but my 口语老师! She didn't see me, maybe because I half-covered my head with my towel, pretending to dry my hair. Just as I decided I should go over and say hi, she started to undress, and THAT made me stop in my tracks and turned around. I couldn't watch her strip right there in front of me! Imagine how hard and awkward it would have been for me if I saw her, and then had to go and sit in class and look at her while she was teaching. I'd probably never be able to look at her in the eyes ever again if I did. Could never look at her the same again if I did. So I hid behind the farce of drying my hair for about 10 long minutes until she left.
And that, my friends, is how things are done here in jolly old China.
2008. What a year it's been. The only word I can think of to describe this year would be legendary. You know how they say everything you need to know, you learn in kindergarten? Well, mine would be everything I need to know, I learned in 2008.
Independence. Packing up and moving to Beijing has been a major change for me. From a pretty pampered existence in Manila to living the whole uni student life--staying in a dorm, doing laundry, cleaning the room, taking public transportation, doing groceries--let's just say those aren't things you would usually find me doing back home. Heck, I couldn't even decently cross the street in Manila, and now you'll see me weaving nonchalantly through throngs of ruthless cabs and worse, bicycles here, unfazed by all the honking. And bargaining in Chinese! Who would've thought.
Mandarin. Well, it IS what I came to Beijing for, to learn to read, write, and speak Chinese fluently. And I think I have. It's now just a question of whether I've learned enough, enough to fulfill my dream of working in Asia. For now.
People skills. Normally, I'm the shy girl. It's hard to make conversation with strangers. It's like, you talk to me first, THEN I'll answer; I might throw in some small talk too if you're lucky. But going to another country and then going to a university which is full of students from all walks of life and from every corner of the world, I've gotten used to approaching total strangers and talking to them. I mean, I still am the more timid one out of the lot, but when you've gone through meeting new people every day and every week, introducing yourself and getting to know other people will become second nature, as it has done me.
Heart. If I had to choose a year out of all my 22 years wherein I experienced the most conflicting emotions in my heart, it would be 2008. I broke someone's heart, and for that, I fear I may have lost a friend, if not forever, and things definitely won't be the same, not for a long time. It's also in this year that I have actually felt something more (than the typical crush) for someone. The smallest things--a smile, a "Hey," or a text--make me go "Aww." Where an every day hanging out or just plain talking makes my day. A crush I actually got to know and have become friends with. Someone who seems to see me the way I do him. But not to worry, everyone. He and I are just friends. Seriously, that's all there is to it now.
Letting loose. A friend told me the other day, "You gotta live a little, Pau!" I agree. And I think I have started to. I wasn't the most boring person before Beijing, or so I'd like to think, but for sure, I was pretty reserved (yup, that's the word the same friend used to describe me), sometimes too responsible and big-sister-ish in a bad way. Since getting here though, I think I've learned pretty well how to live and let live (I've had great teachers). Be a bit more spontaneous. Can't have too much fun. Good clean fun. Party party.
Family. For someone with as close family ties as I do, being away from everyone for almost half a year has been trying. I've been so used to seeing all of them every day, and with bi-weekly clan dinners and quarterly trips and vacations. Being so far from home has just made me realize how much exactly they mean to me, and without a doubt, has made me not take them for granted anymore. All those lonely nights when I suddenly miss them just because. And I've realized how 'family' can not just pertain to people you are related to by blood, but also to those who are the ones closest to your heart. Especially when we all find ourselves in a place which we cannot yet call 'home', friends I've known just a mere 5 months somehow seem a bit more like family to me than some people I've known for years, even my forever friends. No offense to them, I love them all the same, but living in a foreign land with only each other to call on when we need help, it just makes us form a special bond with each other, y'know? The girls our sisters/shopping buddies, and the guys our tour guides/nannies/bodyguards/brothers, that's our little family. Everyone has the same background, typical story, but if not for Beijng, we probably all would not have met, and because of that, they will always have an extra special place in my heart. I'd probably have gone insane by now if I hadn't met them.
Purpose. Never have I felt the full magnitude of my being an adult as I have the past year. Graduating from uni, working a bit for the family businesses before heading out to Beijing, and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life, or the at least the near future, has weighed heavily on my mind. Never would have thought that I'd be studying after finally finishing my university degree, but here I am. And I never imagined considering Asia as the starting point for whatever career I could possibly have, since I always thought I'd go to Canada first. Now I'm faced with the prospect of most likely extending another semester at BLCU and working in Beijing. And after then what? Do I stay in Beijing, or within China, or maybe go instead to HK or Singapore? It's just been more evident to me that I have to make decisions for myself, and that I have to stick with them. And I think I'm getting there.
God. I came to Beijing with one mantra: be independent, but at the same time dependent on God. I mean, I came here not really knowing anyone, and without family to constantly run to. And it's turned out okay. Sure, there have been times that I've been too caught up with cramming studies or enjoying with friends, but in the end, I really have God to thank for getting me through this year and the Beijing experience. If I am to push through with another sem, then hello, God, it's me again.
Words cannot describe all that went on the past year. Maybe I will always look back on 2008 as the year I finally grew up. I feel now you can toss me to any part of the world, and I could possibly survive, about a 90% survival rate. =)
There are so many questions for 2009. Should I stay on for one more semester? Will I find a job I actually like? Do I work my way up the corporate ladder or go with doing what I've always wanted to do and go work for a non-profit organzition? Where will my career begin? Will I find it fulfilling? And hey, will I finally meet my special someone? Hmm, maybe I've met him already?? Haha. Almost 23, definitely not getting any younger eh? Where will I end up in, Manila or somewhere else?
God, thank you for everything that I've had the past year, all the good times, and even the tough ones. Sometimes it seems like it's all too much to take in. Definitely hasn't been easy, and there were moments when I wished 2008 would come to an end fast. But then it's also exciting to have to start 2009 and to have everything to look forward to. There's just so much promise in what God'll bring all my tomorrows. =)