It's funny in a mean, somewhat ironic kinda way how I thought that this would be the year where I'd get to celebrate the holidays, birthdays, and whatnot random days with you. Maybe not physically there or here both at the same time, but at least together, knowing you were there for me and vice versa. It's crazy how things change. And it really stinks to sometimes feel like you're the only one hurting, and the only one who's really affected by everything. It makes you feel invisible, insignificant, forgettable. It's already been three months and a day since we gave up. Can't believe I'm still breathing.
I was so sad, with the holidays and everything, plus your birthday the other day. I had so many things planned months ago, both surprises and simple, typical birthday stuff. I wish I could've been with you to ring in your birthday, to share in your day. A well-planned celebration turned to cancellations and a sad night alone. Well, we got to talk a bit, so I guess it was okay. We got to clear some things up, so I guess it's alright too, in a small way. And I guess I did get to surprise both of us unexpectedly, definitely not the way I thought it would be. But still, regrets. I wanted to make your first birthday with us together a happy one. I really, really did.
Well, your day's over now, so it's back to the old grind. Just me and me. And crap, my birthday's coming up next. That sucks. People have been asking me what I plan to do, but I'm stumped. I don't feel like much fun, guess dinner with everyone complete, just like last year's birthday would be fine with me, but with people coming and going, people forgetting, people making plans without me, that kind of seems impossible. Again, amazing how I expected this birthday to be one of the best I've had, and then how things change in a couple of months. Sigh, we'll see. Maybe things will start to look up for me in the coming weeks, or maybe not.
One thing to look forward to though: a Saturday filled with my best girls and Jun, a movie, food, and karaoke (although I'm not so sure I'll make it to the last one, booooo). Please, PLEASE let this be a good weekend.
It's a selfish thought, but sometimes I think I'm the only who's affected and the only one who hurts because of everything. It's not fair, unlike you, I don't have Beijing to distract me :(
You know how it feels? It's like having a part of your body almost severed, then someone comes along and holds it up, tries to glue it together or stitch it up, loving and caring, but then halfway through, he turns and something else catches his eye. He realizes you're not the greatest or the most fun company after all, and drops that ruined limb, and goes away without ever looking back at you. In incredible pain, you wish he just ripped it off right away instead of letting you go through this torturous hurt. Just like that, he leaves, making you wonder what you did wrong.
I must admit that the prospect of a new year, starting over, experiencing new things, is a little exciting. Daunting, yes, but still. Even if it's hard saying goodbye to a mostly good year, nine great months, eight months and three days of those with you. It was only near the end that it kinda sucked. Nevertheless, I'm trying to get better. I want to make 2010 count for something. Sure, 2009 kicked ass from the very beginning, starting from ringing in the NY with awesome friends in a way only Beijing knows how. A lot's happened since then, mostly good stuff, as I've said.
I won't lie. I'm still a lot sad, and I think that no matter what happens, no matter how long, I will always be a little sad, a little hurt, a little broken. Even so, I will praise the God who gives and takes away. But I am still trusting that God didn't bring you into my life just to take you away from me forever. Keyword: forever. Ever after's worth waiting for, don't you think?
God, thank You for 2009, for my absolutely loving family, for everything I've experienced, for all the awesome people I've met and connected with, for showing me love can come from someone else aside from You and family, for teaching me to love unconditionally, and yes, maybe even for the heartbreak, cause for all I know, You're trying to teach me something. I want so much for this to be a good year. It'll be tough trying to top the last one, but I guess that's where the anticipation lies. I really pray God'll bring you back to me, if not in that old way, then at least bring me back my best friend. I asked for you once before, that seemingly impossible prayer that you would fall in love with me, and God gave me that much; maybe He'll answer my different prayer again.
Anyhow, let's make sure 2010 kicks 2009's ass! ♥