Having zero tears to cry when you want/need to :(
Yup, after a month and 20 days, I have finally run dry. It's just plain sad. Gone are the days where I would lose at least 2 pounds after a good, long cry. Haha but let me just clarify that I do not cry to lose weight! I'll probably hate myself for saying this, but I would rather be fat and together than thin and heartbroken. It just so happens to be the one good thing that came out of crying so much! Lol
I was a bit sad yesterday, and tried to cry, but nothing would come out. It felt bad. I felt frustrated, emotionless. Like not much would affect me anymore. It's kinda scary.
So I tried to sleep. Amazing thing was, after a nice late afternoon massage, and being sick to boot, I couldn't sleep at all. No matter how much I tried, not moving, keeping my eyes closed, sleep just wouldn't come. I just gave up and researched on photography and Christmas wish lists, and playing with Looklet.com with my sister instead. That was fun, especially when she accidentally made the model wear... ;) Oh, and FRIENDS marathon, again.
It was getting late, so I decided I had to try to sleep even just a little. No luck there. It sucked how A) I couldn't, even if my life depended on it (which it probably does), sleep even a mere half hour, B) how (paranoid) images of you and other um, people, kept jumping up at me (almost like counting sheep, except these KEPT me awake; usually, remembering you makes me happy, nostalgic, apparently these views weren't the best) while my eyes were closed, and they weren't the greatest things to think about either, and C) I couldn't cry in frustration of the first two reasons, which just resulted in a night of tossing and turning in bed. Blah.
And now, I have not eye bags, but eye luggage. Yes, they're that bad. I used to think I looked fairly decent when I got out of bed in the mornings, but now I can say with 100% confidence that I look like I got out of a bad zombie movie. I told Lau, "I'm single AND ugly!" Hahaha!
Oh well, it's another day, not great, but it's early, I'd like to think every day has the potential to be better than the one before, hopefully :)
My phone rang with your specialized message tone, and for a split second, I thought it was you. Turns out it was just a wrong phone call, I forgot that your message tone and the regular ring tone were one and the same.
Sigh.
So tired. Of everything, of everyone.
Okay, maybe not everyone.
I can't compete with your career, your friends, your flatmates, your new life. Which is why I am exceptionally understanding and patient, or as you think I am. I'd fight if I thought I had the slightest chance of winning the battle.
There are days when I just wanna scream for no apparent reason! Now is one of them :(
I just feel crappy, and I hate making everyone else around me feel the same way :( I really should be locked up, and they should throw away the key..
There's little else I like more than looking forward to the weekend. But then I also tend to see right away that after an awesome Friday comes a lazy Saturday, after which comes a quick Sunday, and is then inevitably and seemingly immediately followed by a sucky Monday. Lau says I'm a weekend killer by reminding her that a true blue Monday looms near every Friday night. But I can't help it, I've learned to not expect too much, you are less disappointed that way :(
Had a nice, laidback day with the girls. While I had to work a bit in the morning, we met up to have a late lunch at Beijing Hand-pulled Noodles, 奶茶 at Serenitea, then hung out at Patsy's mansion. I notice that when we get together, we talk about everything and anything under the sun. We reminisce a lot about our joint history, about people we know but aren't there to defend themselves, the silliest things, torment each other about the others' quirks and mannerisms, ask about how our week went, future plans, etc. You guys make laugh, forget for a while! And for as long as I've know all of these girls, poor Steph is always picked on, but she's also the most gracious to not ever get annoyed with us. Yet :D
It was relaxing, been a while since I've spent my Saturday like that. I miss lazy Saturdays, lunch and just doing nothing. While it was great fun, I gave in to nostalgia, since it also reminded me how it was before when everyone was still home. It's been months already, three months and five days. Sigh.
(Yes, this is the face of an exasperated, tired me. Quite flattering, if I dare say so myself. Sleep-deprived, food-eating-yet-not-gaining Pau. Lol.)
Saw my friend/baby brother Norts this evening. He hugged me, looked at me long and hard, and said, "You look better, you look happy." I smiled, thinking I wasn't really happy happy, just more resigned perhaps, and accepting of certain recent facts of life. I still miss, still hurt, but as we always say, we gotta do what we gotta do :|
(I super appreciate and love you, Norton Cheng, boy I saw grow up from a scruffy kid to a charming ladies' man, I wish nothing like this will ever touch your still-just-a-boy heart :) )
I'm getting better, I think. You and I, we're getting better. We're friends now, not that we ever really stopped being. Maybe we're just seeing the line that divides best friend and lover a bit more clearly.
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, God.
I want my own pretty little car (maybe a cute Range Rover, or VW Beetle! Or a Mini-Coop, even just a Swift!), one that I won't have to play tug-of-war with my supposedly little brother! Who gets stuck with the mini-van? Moi, of course! Ack, je ne sais quoi!
Wow, looking back on my post about celebrating New Year's 2009 with a bang, I suddenly remembered that 2008's NYE was uneventful, and I wrote then that I'd make sure I'd have a kick-ass time welcoming the next one, and I DID! Success! So at least I wasn't a total fail, eh? Hahaha well, 2009 has been awesome, but here's hoping that 2010 will be awesome-er! Even legen...wait for it...dary! I'm determined to make next year one for the books! :)
Okay, so I didn't exactly get the sleep I was looking forward to, but closing your eyes pretending to sleep for 8 hours isn't so bad once you've gotten used to it :D
So the past month, I've been living one day at a time, going through the motions, trying to look forward to one little extraordinary thing that could come that day. Not exactly seizing the day, I know, but it's something. It could be going out for 奶茶 after work, or a massage, or a Wii marathon with my kid cousins, anything that would even just slightly break the rigidity of every day life. Well, lucky me, I have a bridal shower tonight, this counts as something extra special!
It's cliche, but I'm pretty sure it has always been almost every little girl's dream to one day get married to her idea of Prince Charming, and yes, I have been the cliche-ic girl of old, wanting nothing more than to meet, fall in love with the guy who would also be my best friend, and eventually my partner in life, after which we would live happily ever after, and have a whole van-load of kids. Well, I got the first two, the last part's just been put on hold. Indefinitely. Permanently? I don't know. A friend and I have already come up with a contingency plan in case we end up spinsters/old maids, God forbid. Hahaha
So a lot's changed in the past month. There's learning how to do things, going about my day alone. Not physically, of course, people are always around, family, friends, perfect strangers, but rather, emotionally. You know the feeling of knowing that there's always that one person you can message or call in an instant just cause some rude guy stole your parking space after you've been waiting for 15 minutes? It's like being so sure, secure. And if that someone is not only the guy you're in love with, but also your best friend, well, it makes things a million times better. There are absolutely no pretenses, not when you're with someone who knows you inside out, and yet still wants to be with you in spite of. Good things usually come to an end, as has been the case for me.
That first month away was terrible, especially on Saturdays, just going through the motions of my day, cause Saturdays were usually spent with him, trying to some new place, getting milk tea, enjoying. Well, after three months and thirteen days since he's left, I've gotten a bit used to it. Saturdays still suck, but not as much. I get to go out and meet my friends a whole lot more--lunches, dinners, partying, milk tea dates.
And can I just say, I LOVE YOU GIRLS FOR BEING HERE THIS WHOLE TIME, being sad with me and trying to slap me out of it when my pity parties get to be too much. Sorry that I sometimes become a burden, and that it's really 麻烦 to try cheering me up when I won't. I love how Beijing gave me the best people, the bestest friends; granted, our friendships were sped up by the amount of time we spent together and our proximity to each other, and the whole being so far from home factor, not to mention the experiences we've had. But then, you guys have become my forever friends, I couldn't imagine having things any other way :)
Wow, I think this was the last time we were all together. So long, Shani's been to Beijing and back already. Haha!
Ack, I'm really in no mood to write. My mind's all over the place, obviously. But yesterday was a good day. And today feels good. It's started out good, I'm hoping it will get better :)
After a very, very long hiatus from the blogging world, I am back. Or so I am, for now, til something else catches my fancy and I am once again thrust into the craziness. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, my world's just been insane, both in a good and bad way. I've changed a whole lot, and for the better, I'd like to think. A little, no, a lot rough around the edges, but more mature, definitely more independent, a bit more confident, although that has taken a few bashes of its own. But that's another story.
The past year's brought on a lot of new stuff--people, places, experiences, emotions. I found love, loved lov
e, and right now, have taken a respite from it, although for how long, or if it's definite, I don't know yet. I refuse to say that I've lost love, cause I know deep down, it's not true. I know how you feel, you know how I feel, thus, I still can't really say. Like you said, we're not God, I don't know what tomorrow holds. What I want and what God wants are two totally different things, but along this long road, it may merge. I'm hopeful but not stupid. I'm not closing any doors, life has a funny way of bringing into and taking people from our lives. You got that from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, right? I'll watch that soon.
Anyway, being alone for the first time in a long time, it gets me thinking. And while I am in this positive, upbeat, my-life-does-not-completely-suck mood, I've decided on a self-imposed self-improvement plan, and on the top of my list is me hoping to be able to take up writing again. None of that heavy stuff, just what I feel, when I feel it, how I feel it. My life as it passes, as I grow and learn. I guess I've been a bit too caught up in everything that I just never found the time to write.
Gosh, there's just so much to tell about, I can't even begin. I've had the best year, best eight months of my life, although it's not to say that it's been without tears and heartache.
There's a lot I have to do, a lot I have to learn to do, definitely a lot I have to re-learn. A whole lot.
But I'm tired now, and I'm very optimistic that tonight, I'll get my second almost-full-night of sleep in over a month. These eyebags need to go! :)