It's two days before Christmas! And I'm not ready.
Well, part of me feels like wanting to get this freakin' year over and done with, another part wants to hold on. After all, for the most part, this year was great; it was only the last quarter that it kinda started sucking and going down big-time :(
It hurts most to be broken-hearted during the holidays. Christmas is no longer my favorite time of the year. I hate the sentimental, cheery music, or the sad, Christmas carols (think 'I'll Be Home for Christmas' et al). They make me think that I'm either a horrible scrooge for not feeling the same way as everyone does, or reminds me that boo, you are alone this Christmas, and you're so not getting what you want for Christmas this year.
I've come up with a not-so-foolproof plan to get through everyday. Make myself super busy and/or surround myself with a lot of people and noise. It kinda stinks though when all that ends, and people head separate ways. I hate the quiet after the noise. Contrary to popular belief, I really would want to get myself out of this rut, to not feel so sad all the time, feeling like there is no possible way I could be happy again. I want to get better. It's either that or just sleep my life away.
It's sad though that every little thing reminds me of you. Every place, every song, every event, there's always something of you there. It's hard for me when there are so many broken dreams and promises. There's always a random fail story, or a new restaurant or bar that I want to tell you about, but I never know if that will be crossing the line. I really don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew or believed in, it's all gone pfft. Nothing is the same, nothing is right anymore.
I can't wait for the day when I wake up and feel like I can take on the world again, and not have so many little tear triggers, although right now it seems like that's either a)an impossible dream or b)a long, long, long, long, loooooong way off from now.
(Hi, LAU! Yes, emo. Hahaha!)
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