Was it too much ask? All I wanted was this, with you.
Nothing possibly worse could ever happen to add to all this that is my life.
I give up. You win. I tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't let me in. It's too hard, and I'm so tired. It's just sad that this is how everything ends. How does one actually manage to lose her bestest friend? Beats me, but I should know, I think I just did :(
I asked God for you, specifically for you, did you know that? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you'd choose me, but you did. Which is why it hurts extra now.
You give someone everything, all you have to give, and it's not enough. So how can I believe the myth that one day, there will be someone else, that my everything will be enough for him? It will never be enough for anyone, I see that now. Might as well just curl up into a ball, my claws and fangs will just show themselves when someone comes near, better that than to feel this way again. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies, if I had them.
It WAS good while it lasted. I'm just sorry I disappointed so much. I hate that I still hurt so much, that sleep still can't come after two months and two days, that every little thing reminds me of you. You can't possibly know how this feels, to want to just sleep and sleep, curl up in bed, and cry yourself silly. I really don't know where the tears come from, I must have the Yangtze River hidden in my body somewhere. I hate being so helpless. I think I'll choose not feeling anything all to this.
When people ask, I'll just bite my lip and say we've both moved on, that everything's just fine, that remembering you doesn't kill me inside, that I'm fine. I think I've almost mastered the art of pasting a smile on this pale face of mine, but I have yet to learn to make it reach my eyes and make it seem the least bit more genuine. When will this be over? Will it ever be? I pray and pray and pray for God to take this pain away. So far, it's been a slow answer.
Haha pathetic me, I sobbed into my mom's arms last night, and for a teeny second there, I felt a bit better, but when she left, I just cried myself til I got pooped out and pretended to sleep. I'm so tired, physically, emotionally.
I love my family, how they've pulled through for me, my parents especially, even putting in a week-long trip to HK, just the three of us, they've tried so hard. They ask me how I'm doing regularly, how my heart is doing. How do you tell your parents that your heart is breaking without breaking theirs? I'm sorry for not telling them everything, but it's really hard. But I love how they're there when I do want to share sometimes, and how they've given me space now that I need it.
And gosh, my girls, who I constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY rant to, who always listen, keeping an open mind, giving me their sometimes brutally honest opinions, not siding with me all the time. I know it sucks that almost every conversation we have is about that, I'm already so embarrassed. But it's really comforting to know that they have my back. Always. I wish nothing like this would ever happen to them, but if it does, I'll be right behind them, a hundred and one percent.
I've always had such a good life, I never thought that one day, it would all come to this. Guess it was just right that my perfect little bubble popped. I mean, no one could possibly get what they want and expect to keep it forever.
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