I should be happy; I SHOULD be. But I'm kind of half in it, half not.
This is not easy at all. I wish you'd open your eyes, open your mind a bit more, damnit, open your heart.
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So just maybe, I don't matter as much as I used to to you, or I just don't matter that much at all. Or it could just be me. I hope it's the last bit.
Let's see, eh?
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"For so long, I've been loving You from a distance because I was afraid of Your silence. Because Your silence speaks to me more deeply than any words could ever say. Because I was afraid of who I would be when I was alone with You. Because I didn’t want to be rejected.
For so long, I’ve been loving You from a distance, holding myself hostage to the sound of You; running away from the thought of You loving me so deeply, that I would lose myself and never be able to find who I used to be.
For so long, I’ve been trying loving You from a distance but I can’t even survive without You. You are not only the air I breathe; You are the lungs I breathe with. And without You, there is this vacant void that causes me to collapse at the very center of who I am. And that’s what I mean when I say You’re breathtaking.
You cared for me with a gentleness that made me want to love You more than I ever thought possible.
And I want to give all of my heart to You even though I don’t know what that feels like.
You love me privately, publicly, lonely, lovely or ugly.
And I want to give You the keys to every room in this room in this house I call my heart.
And that means nothing is off-limits to You.”
- Amena Brown
Total immersion into work and stuff so I won't feel I miss you as much.
But I really, really do :(
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Contemplating going to Taiwan with my brother and his friends next month. It's actually an all-guys' trip, but my brother insists it's all good and that I should go along. Sure, everyone will think it's cause Rainy's gonna be based there soon, but hey, a trip with friends would be awesome; and I've never minded being one of the guys anyway.
Rach is also thinking twice about it. Maybe if we get good deals, being the cheapskates we are, maybe..
Your views on drugs and alcohol.
So drugs are a no-no. Unless they're prescription drugs. Aaand you're not addicted to them. I don't want to be found foaming at the mouth and having to have my stomach pumped.
Alcohol is occasionally alright. Social drinking is fine. If I remember right, I don't think the Bible condones drinking--my dad and uncles have the occasional red wine or champagne together with our church's minister (teehee)--it's the dependency on alcohol and the tendency to get piss-drunk that totally ruins alcoholic consumption for society and the rest of us. I will admit I used to hate the smell of it; to a certain extent, I still do now. But staying in a foreign country with deathly freezing winter temperatures (think -16 degrees and crazy bicycle-toppling winds), it only seemed right to give it another whirl, and it turned out the nice warmth and heat it gave my throat and tummy was a breather to the cold.
Therefore, I now drink sometimes too. No getting drunk though ;) Wine or a little bubbly, plus, I use them in cooking too. Which kind of reminds me of when we were living in Beijing, Rainy wanted to bake us cookies, but despite our efforts in hunting it down, we couldn't seem to find any vanilla extract. Thus, he substituted it with Russian vodka. Genius, eh? When you think about it, they both smell alike anyway. So the cookies turned out amazing. Another example of why alcohol can be alright as long as its not put to its (consumers') limits. True story.